Enough
by Seams
Summary: Kyle provides an unromanticized view of life in the caves, where nothing ever seems like enough compared to the past. Coarse-ish language. Two-shot.


******A/N: Something I had lying around for a while. It's not anything really, just a rambling Kyle thing. Thought I would finally upload it. It's an opening for a two-shot. Thanks for the read.**

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**ENOUGH**

Ian and Wanda are laughing, again. Doing their usual happy couple thing in the fields. She can't reach the new trees we've grown - apples. Russell's group gave us the seeds in exchange for some No Pain, so everybody just elopes to the orchard, now. He's giving her a piggy back ride so she can get her puny hands on an apple. It's so freaking adorable, it makes me sick.

I've been watching them this whole time, from the wheat fields. I looked at him with a kind of jealousy once, what with him always being five years ahead of his age, always knowing what to do because of the mistakes I made.

Ian should have been the older brother. It makes sense. He's responsible, he was a real good kid growing up, he's probably the only guy who didn't go crazy with his first taste of freedom, and he made sensible choices. I could have learned from him. I think about it all the time. I think about how many lives we could have saved if our folks just popped us out in the right order. They'd be alive. Jodi would be alive.

Well, to think of it, I would have never met Jodi, but what the heck? I'd be better off without her. It feels like sacrilege thinking that, disrespectful to our two beautiful years. All this would be easier on me, if she just wasn't in my life at all. I wouldn't have to feel conflicted about any of this.

About this stupid Sunny-Jodi business.

I like Sunny. She's a nice girl. Sometimes I imagine what life would've been like if Sunny had entered my life sooner. I imagine what life would be like if Sunny were _human_. It's weird. Sunny is different, but Sunny looks like my girlfriend. Sunny sort of _is_ my girlfriend. That makes Jodi my ex-girlfriend. Never thought it would come to that. I was gonna marry settle down with that girl, take care of her, start a family. Sunny is Jodi, so Sunny is also my ex-girlfriend, but not really because she only looks like my ex-girlfriend right? But no, they don't just look alike, they are the same person. But they're not the same person.

Sometimes, I think of it in a way that's not really true, but easier to understand. I just tell myself Sunny looks like Jodi. That's why I went for her. She looks like my last love. The truth is she stole my last love.

But I love her anyway.

What the heck is wrong with me, right?

I'm glad Ian has done this alien romance thing before me. It's freaking confusing, that's what it is. Everybody gets their stupid happy ending. Jared gets his ballistic Melanie back - who happens to be sacks of crazy - and my brother gets his alien. My brother, as always, going for the freaks. My brother, the unprecedented. My brother, the smart one, the sensible one. Screw my brother. Screw his perfect life.

Everything fills neatly into their lives.

Melanie is borderline groping Jared in the corner of the wheat fields. Jodi had that kind of feistiness. Sometimes, when I'm not thinking, I just subconsciously reach out to touch Sunny, but then I realize it's not Jodi so I can't touch her like that. It was a bad idea to even put us in the same room.

So what if she's got my Jodi's body? She's a different flipping person.

It's like enforced arranged marriage to an ex-girlfriend.

You would think I got over it in five years, got over my girl. But everyone in these goddamned caves holds onto the last years of their human lives fiercely. They're convinced those were the days. No matter how shit it really was, because we didn't have to hide underground.

Everyone hates living underground. Some people are just, ''oh, it's so difficult to not get discovered by the seekers, it's so difficult to survive''. My ass, it's difficult. It's pretty easy so as long as you don't raid and stay put. Even raiding is cake, now. None of them tell you what really bothers them.

"Jeb," Wes said one day. This was back when he was alive. "You gotta do something about the sound carrying."

"What's it to ya?" Jeb replied.

"Goddamit, Jeb, the noises," he complained.

"What are you even going on about, kid?" All of us were in the dining hall, having breakfast and chatting. Brandt punched Ian on the arm, asking for our attention. He was sniggering, as was Aaron.

"I'm talking about Andy and Paige getting things going in their room at night."

Half the cave suppressed snickers. Poor Paige was red, and Andy felt a little too proud of himself. We pat him on the back. He was our proxy.

Secluded northern tunnels or outside. That was the rule here. There was no privacy here - if you wanted any, you basically had to be good at laying low. None of that stopped Jared and Melanie the first week after the rains. The whole cave could hear. We shut our traps, given this was Melanie's homecoming.

That could've been me and Jodi. The annoying couple who couldn't keep it in their pants. That was us, a long time ago.

Anyway, that's one thing that's annoying. There's more, obviously.

Jamie's first couple days here were spent in sorrow, but sooner or later he had to get over it or get better at hiding pain, like all the adults learnt how to do. He needed distractions.

"Uncle Jeb, I'm bored," he complained.

"Ian's got some paperbacks. Borrow some."

"I hate reading."

"Learn to like it, if you want to survive here."

Boredom is probably the prime difficulty, here. Since none of us were busy trying to survive, we were busy looking for ways to be busy. I lost it my first month here.

"Ian, I'm going nuts here," I said. I needed to do something. Kill things. Kill parasites. I'm not a psychopath, but killing parasites was all I had been doing the past year. I was aching for it, again.

"Go do something," he advised, not looking up from his stupid Kafka novel.

"Will you stop reading the same shit everyday?"

"I enjoy it."

He was still kind of a teenager at that point - nineteen. Still pretty moody.

We stole a guitar on a raid once, but Ian being one of the few people who were actually good refused to play. It bothered him, apparently. What did I tell you about moody?

There is practically nothing to do here other than share anecdotes and let time run free. I suppose I prefer it to those awkward times when we were still building the bathing room.

Now, that was bad. There were timings for women, timings for men, and it was just plain weird. Nudity doesn't exactly bother me. It's old people nude that bother me. They're waving it around in the air, like they just don't care. I've seen a fair share of wrinkly butts in this cave.

It wasn't pleasant.

We take things for granted, is what I learnt. All we could do here, after the first few days of not being in danger anymore is complain. Jeb, we want shower curtains. Jeb, Lucina's baby cries too much. Kyle's crazy, Jeb, throw him out already. Fix this, Jeb. Get rid of that, Jeb.

And then the parasite came. We just shut our traps for a while, and held our breaths with the complaining. Then, when the storm passed, all of us were back to it. We had something new to whine about. _The fuckin' parasite, Jeb_. We could cuss our hearts out. The situation called for it. Fucking Jeb. Fucking Jared. The fucking Stryders. Sons o' fuckin' bitches everywhere.

I have to say, I quite enjoyed that duration when Ian was still on my side, trying to kill Wanda. I could finally fucking speak my language.

It pissed me off to no end when he decided he wanted to love a _thing_. I didn't get it. Of course I didn't get it. Ian killed parasites with me. He enjoyed it. He liked killing them. He popped their eyes out. We enjoyed it. So I was just, what the fuck. What the fuck, Ian. What the fuck are you doing, who the fuck are you, just what the fuck.

I still don't know if he told her about the nightmares he used to have. That kid has an overactive imagination. His conscience was insane. Every time he killed something he would just black out for a day. I didn't get that either.

I guess he just needed someone to take him out of that dark. He's a person of ethics, my little brother. He needed someone to hold his hand and walk through shit with him. Only a parasite could clear his conscience. Maybe he just really loves her. Although, with Ian I imagine it's more complicated than just love. It must have started out with something, and one thing must have led to another and he was convinced he had to bone her.

Most of us do need someone to hold us. I suppose that's why I'm still with Sunny. I suppose that's why I haven't gone to sleep for good on the world, yet. I'm pretty bored of living. I'm pretty bored of keeping humanity alive, as opposed to what most people might believe. We're doing well for ourselves, in these caves. Most of us don't realize that. As complicated and different as my life is right now, I still have someone to hold my fucking hand. That's what matters.


End file.
